1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
   The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
   Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
   The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”
   The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
   The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
   She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
   As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
   The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
   The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
   Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
   After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
   Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
   “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor’.”
   A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
   “Yes,” the class said.
   “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
   A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elemen tary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
   “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
   Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
   A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong roa d to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we
need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on
his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having probl ems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks .

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was ga y! Can’t you people see the
plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as
plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one???

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

1. Sip the vodka, don’t gulp
2. There are 10 Commandments, not 12
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s*@t out of him
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take
    this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say. “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called, “Mary with the Cherry”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s

————————————-

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: ‘I Thought You Loved Me.exe’, try to download
Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse
of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy
Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very
bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 It runs a virus in
the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources. Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.
These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new
applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to
improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie
7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

1. Sunday sports: It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.
Round is a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on
its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that
elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its
front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn’t help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed
over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right
up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele’s legs and slammed him
against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

Thanks Matt

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What’s that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,and to come to you." Dad said,"Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK,you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."  The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where’s Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three
bottles of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a
sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he
comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You
know, a bottle goes flat after I open it. It would
taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two
brothers. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin,
and I’m in Texas. When we all left home, we promised
that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank
together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and
one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and
leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always
drinks the same way. He orders three beers and drinks
them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders only two bottles. All
the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round,
the bartender says,"I don’t want to intrude on your
grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your
loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a
light dawns and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody’s just fine," he explains. "It’s
just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church here
in Amarillo and I had to quit drinking. Hasn’t
affected my brothers though…