1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
   The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
   Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
   The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”
   The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
   The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
   She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work.
   As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
   The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
   The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
   Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
   After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
   Without missing a beat one little boy, the oldest of a family, answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
   “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor’.”
   A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.”
   “Yes,” the class said.
   “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn’t run into my feet?”
   A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elemen tary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
   “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
   Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
   A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.

DICK CHENEY: Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am
now against it! It was the wrong roa d to cross, and I was misled about
the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against
it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road
before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we
need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on
his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having probl ems, which
is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the
chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of
life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive
across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks .

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been
told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was ga y! Can’t you people see the
plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as
plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one???

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.